I remembered when I was young, probably about 4, 5 years old, I was so shy to the extend that I wouldnt want to take photography with large group of people even though they are my relatives. I was the girl who would always sit behind or at a corner, listening to what the teacher is teaching when I was in kindergarden. I was the girl who spoke so softly that my primary school teacher could hardly hear me when she shot me a question in front of the whole class.
I was a victim of school bully. In kindergarden, I was hit by a malay girl on my stomach just because I wanted to shift to the front to listen what the teacher was talking. Obviously, she acted on purpose. I cried. The teacher saw it and scolded her. Coincidentally, we went to the same primary and secondary school. I dont know if she recognise me in the primary school days but I will not forget her, even her name. Anyway, she became so screwed in secondary school days that a lot of people were talking behind her back about her behaviour with guys.
In primary school, I had not many friends. Perhaps it was because of my shy nature, I didnt know how to "socialise". My classmates started to target me and I was often alone. There were 2 incidents which I remembered. First, I was friends with a girls' group. We would eat and play together during break time. I was happy. One day, for I dont-know-what-reasons, they started to avoid me. I tried to ask them why but they walked away. The breaking point for this friendship ended with them telling me "WE HATE YOU!". Of course, any human being would feel hurt by this. Fine, friendship no more. If I were to even recognise them on the street now, I will just pretend I have never see them. Nevermind the fact that they are just KIDS
Speaking about the second incident, the teacher arranged for me to sit with a talkative guy so as to shut him up by sitting with a quiet girl. We got along quite well but one day, we got into an argument. I cant remember what it is about but he started to hit my back using his fist. I hit him back. And he hit me back. We were hitting each other's back until I couldnt take it, I stopped and cried. He got scared and apologised. Since then, he treated me in a "different" way which I thought he was feeling guilty.
Fast forward to 18, 19 years old, this guy contacted me. I dont know how he got my contacts since I never contact any primary school kids after we graduate. Seriously, I dont know his "motive or purpose" for asking me out as we have never spoken or seen each other since graduating from primary school. I went out with him for a meal anyway. I felt weird throughout the meeting and since then, I never see him again which was good because in my mind I'm thinking "This person is too weird. Why would he contact me after so long?" Duh~
At present, I think I've changed a lot due to the friends I've met in secondary school days and also because of King and my family's constant encouragement. I'm not as shy as when I was a kid. I dare to face a large group of people. I could even speak louder.. If you think what's the big deal about it, it IS a BIG deal to me.
While all these changes are not very drastic to normal people, these are crucial and important steps to what I am now. If I am still the ever-shy person, what am I now?
However, there is one thing that I'm always lack of, which is Self-Confidence. The thing is, I've yet to discover what I'm good at therefore there is always a disbelief of myself. I always think that I'm quite useless in the sense that I have not had any achievement in my life. Of course, if you achieve something that could make you or your family be proud of, naturally you are more confident of yourself.
I thought I need some "encouragement or reminder" for myself so I went on to search "How to Gain Self-Confident". Some people can say it's bullshit but I find this article quite helpful...
"How to Grow Self Confidence"
No comments:
Post a Comment